Jealousy

Jealousy is such an ugly characteristic and emotion of people. I've found myself in the balancing act between jealousy and longing.  Where do the two meet? When have I let go of the longing and slipped down the hole of depravity and jealousy?

I believe it's when I take control.  When I begin to worry. Worry exists when you think that God is not big enough to handle the details of your life and you begin to covet what your neighbor has, feels and is.  I've been teetering between jealousy and longing lately in many facets of my life, when ultimately I should be more aware about how God is providing for me and knowing that ultimately he's going to be the only one that will meet the needs of my deepest longings.

In contrast, I think that we need jealousy to understand God.  He's calling us to redemption and so very desperately wants that from yet we continue to give ourselves over to other things.  He's jealous of those other things.  I think these song lyrics say it best,

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of the sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me." -"How He Loves Us", John McMillan

I just pray to bent beneath the weight of God's mercy.  I want to have his will be revealed to me so that I'm not longer a jealous person and more importantly, he's no longer jealous for me.

Suffering

^"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

Suffering.  It really stinks. I know I was never promised something easy or that all my troubles would go away but I think deep down inside I had hoped I would understand them more than I do. I am frustrated and exhausted by the suffering and I'm trying to allow God to make my yoke easier (Matthew 11:28-30). I am seeking refuge in my weariness with Jesus. I have learned a lot and I am thankful for a lot in my suffering despite the sadness that overwhelms me at times.  I have to daily choose to be thankful and remind myself the good that has come out of the pain and the emptiness:

My husband. His love, grace and patience with me is overwhelming. Our marriage is truly better because of this trial.
Our friends and family.  They (you) are incredible.  The outpouring of God's love we've felt from them (you)
The joy and hope for the future. We are so excited to start trying for a baby again.
The little ways that God has spoken to me.

I am looking forward to being overjoyed when God's glory is revealed.  Through this I have truly begun to understand the pain that God must have felt watching his Son die on the cross.  I take heart that God is good, he is still here with us and is taking care of our little one.

Thanks for being by my side through these crazy life circumstances. You truly make my yoke easier by being Jesus with skin on.  Thanks for being with me in my messiness. It's been through my friends that I've really been able to see God's love.  I cling to God's love and the joy that must prevail despite my sadness.