Be Thou My Vision

" Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:1-6

I've never looked at this in terms of vision. As I'm trying to evaluate where my mentorship relationships lie I was struck with the need to create a vision for each of the women I meet with. I started out with a vision but as they've moved on in their lives my vision became put aside. While this is incredibly important I realized more importantly (especially in light of this passage) that I've not created a vision for myself. Where do I want to be headed, how do I want to get there and how am I or will I rely on God to get me there. If I don't know where I'm headed or stand with God, how am I expecting to create these visions for these women?

For now I am going to turn to pray this hymn (emphasis added):

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

I hope that this will be an evolving process and a good start to rediscovery.

Inadequate? Probably.

I've spent a lot to time thinking about myself lately. Yes, it's selfish but I feel like I've been in need of a personal-faith-life overhaul. I have been feeling as though I haven't met peoples' standards lately and I find myself frequently asking God, "Am I really who you want for this? Am I really making an impact? Am I trying hard enough? Did I completely miss the mark and I didn't hear you at all?". I struggle so much with meeting worldly standards but more importantly grappling with the idea of God expecting things out of me. If so, what and how much? No matter what I do or don't do, God doesn't love any more or any less, but I'm sure he wants me to do something. Be something, to act with Him and for Him and in His name.

Which brings up another point...if I'm acting/saying/doing/mentoring/leading/marrying in God's name what kind of standards do I need to be setting for myself? As I wander around trying to establish if and what I can do, I'm stuck with this sinking feeling. Lately, this has looked like people calling me out in love and compassion but it still stings. I think that it boils down to Satan using the loving rebuke of friends against me. If you take the rebuke in God's name to be teachable then you're letting Him mold you, but if you take it as criticism then Satan utilizes this weakness to take a foothold. Then it's all downhill from there. Which is quite honestly where I've been for the last week. I need to remember that there will always be more to learn, more to be come "adequate" in and more to evolve into...I just have to trust God that he's doing that with me.

Whenever I don't feel adequate I try and remember Moses' situation. He wasn't a public speaker nor did he feel as though he was fit to lead the Israelites out of Egypt...but God equipped him. Moses was so obedient and open minded to what God offered. I am thankful that I have the "Aarons" in my life to help back me up and the hope that I can have the faith of Moses.

This is definitely going to be a "to be continued" segment for me. I'm just ready to start really living for God and hoping that the expectations from other people will just fall in line. If not, as disappointing and heartbreaking as it can be...who should I and am I really trying to please?

An Addendum

This is an addendum of sorts to my last post. Today as I sat in Patrick's mom's funeral and watched her family and friends suffering amidst the pain, I began to pray. I prayed in a way that Patrick himself had suggested the other morning at breakfast. I prayed with God. The more I prayed the more focused I became on the needs of others specifically Patrick, Brad and the rest of the family. I wasn't wallowing in how I felt in the moment (which funerals, aside from the obvious are really really difficult for me) but rather on the people around me.

I really felt like I experienced God there in the sadness. I don't believe he likes us to suffer but he does use that suffering for His good. I looked back on my own suffering in my life and how I've used that and how God has used that. I've noticed when I let God take my anger, my sadness and my despair to use it for His benefit I am blessed. Today in the sadness that I felt, I allowed God to take control of that through prayer with Him. I think that's what made Job who he was. He didn't pretend like everything was okay, he was angry, he was sad and his life was horrible---BUT he let God in and began to talk to Him and to pray with Him.

I hope that I can continue to feel the Holy Spirit in my prayer just as I did this morning--even through the numbness of pain and sadness.

The Road to Awe

The last few weeks have seemingly been shrouded by death. What I'm reading in my Bible challange, the media, my personal life, the movies I'm watching, conversation, etc. I know it's certain and I know it happens, but it makes me reflect on my own mortality and then on my own road beyond death and "into awe".

A couple of weekends ago I watched "The Fountain" with Nick, Adam and Jessica. The entire movie surrounded the idea of being afraid of death and dying and then finally what the purpose of dying truly was. The movie was very obviously not Christian, but had some very serious Christian and religious undertones. The female character comes to terms with her own death and realizes that what she's discovering is her Road to Awe.

Is that what the journey death should be for us? The road to discovering the awesome-ness of God? Amidst the beauty of the the cinematography of the film, I couldn't help but notice the sadness and the lack of fulfillment that the characters felt and the darkness that it portrayed. Constantly striving for more time, more years, more understanding--when the one thing that they were avoiding was what could bring them the greatest fulfillment.

I am afraid of death most of the time. I'm afraid of losing, pain and suffering. Although, in my life there have been glimpses of what death is or should be. My mom taught me this lesson about living and dying. I had the blessing of watching her pass, which sounds morbid--but it wasn't. It was peaceful, terribly sad, but relieving. Prior to her death she told us she wanted the song "Celebration" played at her funeral. I think that is the most beautiful picture of fulfillment. She knew what this world had to offer her...in the end nothing. Yes, she would miss us and wanted to see us grow up...but what would the lasting effect of that be? Nothing, or at least nothing compared to the enjoyment of Heaven and eternal life.

We need restoration, we need a road to awe, we need death but most importantly, we need Jesus.

Love.

As I read through the book of Genesis I can't help but notice the the different forms of love being portrayed. I think that love is one of my favorite topics, one of my favorite things to do and one of the hardest things to understand. I have told Jeff before of how much I appreciate his love for me and the beautiful picture it paints of just the beginning of God's love for us. I say that, then I begin to wonder the depths of God's love for us. His Son, on a cross, compassion and grace. How deep do I think that God's love goes? Just as far as the tangible love that I can feel or beyond that? What is "that"?

The conversation of love in my heart almost always ends with the question of approval. Am I good enough? Do I make enough people happy? Am I wanted, loved, needed...the list goes on. My love is flawed. If I am loving to see the love of others, the approval of others and the need of others it is not altruistic and it's not from God or a reflection of God. Something that struck me the other week in the way that I love, was a statement by Joe at Church, "God will not love you any more or any less, no matter what you do". I think that part of my problem with my understanding of love is that it's a give and take sort of thing, you give, I take--I in turn reciprocate and it's "mutual". But love should go far beyond this giving and receiving and become more of a way of life for me. What if my life was a continuous outpouring of love for other people? What would I gain? Maybe nothing, maybe something, but it'll be worth it and gaining is not the point. I think that it will make me a more whole person a person that can accept and give love freely is one that can maintain a constant outpouring.

Everyone needs love but there shouldn't be an expectation attached to it. I think that might be what is at the heart of what I'm currently struggling with. I want to be loved but can't love myself because of some realistic expectations of who I'm supposed to be. God doesn't set expectations and neither should we for ourselves or for anyone else.

Today, I'm going to try and live an expectation free day. Live a day where my soul (yes, soul) purpose is to show love to people.

Beauty, it's there.

I think I've read Genesis and the Creation story at least 500 times. Maybe a little exaggeration, but I find that whenever I open the Bible to read the entire thing (never having fully accomplished this) I start with Genesis. To be true to my "plan" I decided to start here again. It had become mundane and typical and well, quite honestly, boring to read. Then today, it hit me. What if I was THERE for the creation? What if I got to SEE the first light, WATCH the first wave crash upon the shore, SMELL the first flower and be THERE with God. Right there. Right there!

As I re-read the story I sat back and began to visualize the beauty of what the Creation entails. Every detail, every complexity...there. The ability to evolve and transform with the adapting world and climate. The ability to, however millions of years later, take your breath away to transform you. Isn't that what God asks in praise and love of Him, to sit back and be awed? So as I read I began to slip into the imagination of what it might have been like...even if just for a glimpse from God......

Darkness-the absence of light. The still, quiet darkness. Before there was anything to make noise to disrupt the peace and tranquility of night, absolute SILENCE. Being out in the middle of a field with nothing around, no city for miles, not a house in sight. Beauty in darkness. You can learn a lot about yourself in darkness--some really not so great things and some really honest and beautiful things. But that stillness in the dark brings out who you are, away from who or what you hide behind.

I can imagine the first ray of sun. The way the sun warms in the early spring, when it hits you it thaws you from the inside out, thaws you from the bitter, cold, darkness of winter. It begins to permeate your skin then inside of you until it's as though you're wrapped in it. That's one of my favorite times of the year.

I absolutely LOVE watching the sun rise and set over the ocean. Love it. It's in these times that I feel God's creation most fully. I love the sunrises and sunsets over the ocean that cause you to stop in your tracks. It's such a beautiful masterpiece each time I see it, but to be there for the first one? Amazing. We all love to be a part of firsts...I think that there's some excitement in the novelty of being the first. Be the first kid in line, go to a restaurant the first day it opens, be the first to see a movie, win first place, etc. But the first sunrise. Wow. And, even when you're done with the sunrise or sunset, you've got the ocean. Peaceful and still enough to look like glass, as if you could walk on it or powerful enough to destroy everything in its way. Water is beautiful imagery to explain God. No wonder he uses it so frequently.

I think about Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when I think about the creation of plants. The time lapsed photography as things begin to sprout and grow and flourish. One thing I miss about living in the country is the wide open fields of wild flowers dotting the green grass, and that's just one area, a small glimpse. I think about all of the different climates and the different types of vegetation they require. Each different region providing it's own resources and requiring different types. How intricately beautiful. That's just the plants! Then there's the animals in the air, in the sea, on land! So many different species that co-exist and reproduce and survive. I imagine myself just standing there as it's all created around me. In His Glory created. Like an artist carefully judging his brush strokes, one piece at a time until the entire thing is enveloping you. Everything beautiful. Untainted by man made/altered anything.

And then us. We are his crowning glory. He wraps everything up with us, in His image. The end of the beginning. We were there to name it, to feel it, to taste it, to BE with God. What a gift he gave us. I wonder why so many people have difficulty respecting the Earth we have. It's such a beautiful one and we're such beautiful creations with such a sinful nature...

Then rest. Why do we screw this one up so much? It's such a necessity. God rested and observed his creation. We need to observe his creation, slowly, carefully and admiringly. Maybe that's why it's so hard to respect. We are so busy doing and being and seeing and thinking that we've missed the point. Stop, take a deep breath and take it all in. Right where you are. See God's glory? It's there.

To me there's no other explanation that something so beautiful and so intentional could have been a haphazard meeting of some atoms. My challenge today is to stop and take it all in and enjoy this beautiful artistry for everything it's worth.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of my journey to discover who I am in Christ. I am starting with the Word and I plan on reading the Bible in 90 days. I hope to update this frequently and I want to better experience my faith, not just live with it. To me this is not about religion but about sacrifice, love, faith, hope and spirituality.

I have watched my friends travel throughout the country and world and write about their experiences but have wondered if or what I can contribute to the vast blog-o-sphere. This question reoccurs constantly in my faith, can I experience God HERE, in what I'm doing NOW or have I let myself become too comfortable to really experience Him to the fullest extent? I've been confronted in my faith lately with the fact that God is everywhere and I have created this blog as a log of the ways I'm beginning to see Him.

I want to be honest with myself for once and I plan on writing my reactions, thoughts and prayers of how I view God in his everyday-ness both within his Word and amidst his Creation. Sometimes my posts will be about the Word, sometimes prayers, sometimes experiences and whatever else I have on my heart. We'll see where God takes me with this.

God, welcome to my heart, my day & my life. Mold me into the person that you created me to be.