Be Thou My Vision

" Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:1-6

I've never looked at this in terms of vision. As I'm trying to evaluate where my mentorship relationships lie I was struck with the need to create a vision for each of the women I meet with. I started out with a vision but as they've moved on in their lives my vision became put aside. While this is incredibly important I realized more importantly (especially in light of this passage) that I've not created a vision for myself. Where do I want to be headed, how do I want to get there and how am I or will I rely on God to get me there. If I don't know where I'm headed or stand with God, how am I expecting to create these visions for these women?

For now I am going to turn to pray this hymn (emphasis added):

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

I hope that this will be an evolving process and a good start to rediscovery.

Inadequate? Probably.

I've spent a lot to time thinking about myself lately. Yes, it's selfish but I feel like I've been in need of a personal-faith-life overhaul. I have been feeling as though I haven't met peoples' standards lately and I find myself frequently asking God, "Am I really who you want for this? Am I really making an impact? Am I trying hard enough? Did I completely miss the mark and I didn't hear you at all?". I struggle so much with meeting worldly standards but more importantly grappling with the idea of God expecting things out of me. If so, what and how much? No matter what I do or don't do, God doesn't love any more or any less, but I'm sure he wants me to do something. Be something, to act with Him and for Him and in His name.

Which brings up another point...if I'm acting/saying/doing/mentoring/leading/marrying in God's name what kind of standards do I need to be setting for myself? As I wander around trying to establish if and what I can do, I'm stuck with this sinking feeling. Lately, this has looked like people calling me out in love and compassion but it still stings. I think that it boils down to Satan using the loving rebuke of friends against me. If you take the rebuke in God's name to be teachable then you're letting Him mold you, but if you take it as criticism then Satan utilizes this weakness to take a foothold. Then it's all downhill from there. Which is quite honestly where I've been for the last week. I need to remember that there will always be more to learn, more to be come "adequate" in and more to evolve into...I just have to trust God that he's doing that with me.

Whenever I don't feel adequate I try and remember Moses' situation. He wasn't a public speaker nor did he feel as though he was fit to lead the Israelites out of Egypt...but God equipped him. Moses was so obedient and open minded to what God offered. I am thankful that I have the "Aarons" in my life to help back me up and the hope that I can have the faith of Moses.

This is definitely going to be a "to be continued" segment for me. I'm just ready to start really living for God and hoping that the expectations from other people will just fall in line. If not, as disappointing and heartbreaking as it can be...who should I and am I really trying to please?

An Addendum

This is an addendum of sorts to my last post. Today as I sat in Patrick's mom's funeral and watched her family and friends suffering amidst the pain, I began to pray. I prayed in a way that Patrick himself had suggested the other morning at breakfast. I prayed with God. The more I prayed the more focused I became on the needs of others specifically Patrick, Brad and the rest of the family. I wasn't wallowing in how I felt in the moment (which funerals, aside from the obvious are really really difficult for me) but rather on the people around me.

I really felt like I experienced God there in the sadness. I don't believe he likes us to suffer but he does use that suffering for His good. I looked back on my own suffering in my life and how I've used that and how God has used that. I've noticed when I let God take my anger, my sadness and my despair to use it for His benefit I am blessed. Today in the sadness that I felt, I allowed God to take control of that through prayer with Him. I think that's what made Job who he was. He didn't pretend like everything was okay, he was angry, he was sad and his life was horrible---BUT he let God in and began to talk to Him and to pray with Him.

I hope that I can continue to feel the Holy Spirit in my prayer just as I did this morning--even through the numbness of pain and sadness.

The Road to Awe

The last few weeks have seemingly been shrouded by death. What I'm reading in my Bible challange, the media, my personal life, the movies I'm watching, conversation, etc. I know it's certain and I know it happens, but it makes me reflect on my own mortality and then on my own road beyond death and "into awe".

A couple of weekends ago I watched "The Fountain" with Nick, Adam and Jessica. The entire movie surrounded the idea of being afraid of death and dying and then finally what the purpose of dying truly was. The movie was very obviously not Christian, but had some very serious Christian and religious undertones. The female character comes to terms with her own death and realizes that what she's discovering is her Road to Awe.

Is that what the journey death should be for us? The road to discovering the awesome-ness of God? Amidst the beauty of the the cinematography of the film, I couldn't help but notice the sadness and the lack of fulfillment that the characters felt and the darkness that it portrayed. Constantly striving for more time, more years, more understanding--when the one thing that they were avoiding was what could bring them the greatest fulfillment.

I am afraid of death most of the time. I'm afraid of losing, pain and suffering. Although, in my life there have been glimpses of what death is or should be. My mom taught me this lesson about living and dying. I had the blessing of watching her pass, which sounds morbid--but it wasn't. It was peaceful, terribly sad, but relieving. Prior to her death she told us she wanted the song "Celebration" played at her funeral. I think that is the most beautiful picture of fulfillment. She knew what this world had to offer her...in the end nothing. Yes, she would miss us and wanted to see us grow up...but what would the lasting effect of that be? Nothing, or at least nothing compared to the enjoyment of Heaven and eternal life.

We need restoration, we need a road to awe, we need death but most importantly, we need Jesus.