Inadequate? Probably.

I've spent a lot to time thinking about myself lately. Yes, it's selfish but I feel like I've been in need of a personal-faith-life overhaul. I have been feeling as though I haven't met peoples' standards lately and I find myself frequently asking God, "Am I really who you want for this? Am I really making an impact? Am I trying hard enough? Did I completely miss the mark and I didn't hear you at all?". I struggle so much with meeting worldly standards but more importantly grappling with the idea of God expecting things out of me. If so, what and how much? No matter what I do or don't do, God doesn't love any more or any less, but I'm sure he wants me to do something. Be something, to act with Him and for Him and in His name.

Which brings up another point...if I'm acting/saying/doing/mentoring/leading/marrying in God's name what kind of standards do I need to be setting for myself? As I wander around trying to establish if and what I can do, I'm stuck with this sinking feeling. Lately, this has looked like people calling me out in love and compassion but it still stings. I think that it boils down to Satan using the loving rebuke of friends against me. If you take the rebuke in God's name to be teachable then you're letting Him mold you, but if you take it as criticism then Satan utilizes this weakness to take a foothold. Then it's all downhill from there. Which is quite honestly where I've been for the last week. I need to remember that there will always be more to learn, more to be come "adequate" in and more to evolve into...I just have to trust God that he's doing that with me.

Whenever I don't feel adequate I try and remember Moses' situation. He wasn't a public speaker nor did he feel as though he was fit to lead the Israelites out of Egypt...but God equipped him. Moses was so obedient and open minded to what God offered. I am thankful that I have the "Aarons" in my life to help back me up and the hope that I can have the faith of Moses.

This is definitely going to be a "to be continued" segment for me. I'm just ready to start really living for God and hoping that the expectations from other people will just fall in line. If not, as disappointing and heartbreaking as it can be...who should I and am I really trying to please?