Jealousy

Jealousy is such an ugly characteristic and emotion of people. I've found myself in the balancing act between jealousy and longing.  Where do the two meet? When have I let go of the longing and slipped down the hole of depravity and jealousy?

I believe it's when I take control.  When I begin to worry. Worry exists when you think that God is not big enough to handle the details of your life and you begin to covet what your neighbor has, feels and is.  I've been teetering between jealousy and longing lately in many facets of my life, when ultimately I should be more aware about how God is providing for me and knowing that ultimately he's going to be the only one that will meet the needs of my deepest longings.

In contrast, I think that we need jealousy to understand God.  He's calling us to redemption and so very desperately wants that from yet we continue to give ourselves over to other things.  He's jealous of those other things.  I think these song lyrics say it best,

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of the sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me." -"How He Loves Us", John McMillan

I just pray to bent beneath the weight of God's mercy.  I want to have his will be revealed to me so that I'm not longer a jealous person and more importantly, he's no longer jealous for me.

Suffering

^"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

Suffering.  It really stinks. I know I was never promised something easy or that all my troubles would go away but I think deep down inside I had hoped I would understand them more than I do. I am frustrated and exhausted by the suffering and I'm trying to allow God to make my yoke easier (Matthew 11:28-30). I am seeking refuge in my weariness with Jesus. I have learned a lot and I am thankful for a lot in my suffering despite the sadness that overwhelms me at times.  I have to daily choose to be thankful and remind myself the good that has come out of the pain and the emptiness:

My husband. His love, grace and patience with me is overwhelming. Our marriage is truly better because of this trial.
Our friends and family.  They (you) are incredible.  The outpouring of God's love we've felt from them (you)
The joy and hope for the future. We are so excited to start trying for a baby again.
The little ways that God has spoken to me.

I am looking forward to being overjoyed when God's glory is revealed.  Through this I have truly begun to understand the pain that God must have felt watching his Son die on the cross.  I take heart that God is good, he is still here with us and is taking care of our little one.

Thanks for being by my side through these crazy life circumstances. You truly make my yoke easier by being Jesus with skin on.  Thanks for being with me in my messiness. It's been through my friends that I've really been able to see God's love.  I cling to God's love and the joy that must prevail despite my sadness.

Be Thou My Vision

" Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:1-6

I've never looked at this in terms of vision. As I'm trying to evaluate where my mentorship relationships lie I was struck with the need to create a vision for each of the women I meet with. I started out with a vision but as they've moved on in their lives my vision became put aside. While this is incredibly important I realized more importantly (especially in light of this passage) that I've not created a vision for myself. Where do I want to be headed, how do I want to get there and how am I or will I rely on God to get me there. If I don't know where I'm headed or stand with God, how am I expecting to create these visions for these women?

For now I am going to turn to pray this hymn (emphasis added):

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

I hope that this will be an evolving process and a good start to rediscovery.

Inadequate? Probably.

I've spent a lot to time thinking about myself lately. Yes, it's selfish but I feel like I've been in need of a personal-faith-life overhaul. I have been feeling as though I haven't met peoples' standards lately and I find myself frequently asking God, "Am I really who you want for this? Am I really making an impact? Am I trying hard enough? Did I completely miss the mark and I didn't hear you at all?". I struggle so much with meeting worldly standards but more importantly grappling with the idea of God expecting things out of me. If so, what and how much? No matter what I do or don't do, God doesn't love any more or any less, but I'm sure he wants me to do something. Be something, to act with Him and for Him and in His name.

Which brings up another point...if I'm acting/saying/doing/mentoring/leading/marrying in God's name what kind of standards do I need to be setting for myself? As I wander around trying to establish if and what I can do, I'm stuck with this sinking feeling. Lately, this has looked like people calling me out in love and compassion but it still stings. I think that it boils down to Satan using the loving rebuke of friends against me. If you take the rebuke in God's name to be teachable then you're letting Him mold you, but if you take it as criticism then Satan utilizes this weakness to take a foothold. Then it's all downhill from there. Which is quite honestly where I've been for the last week. I need to remember that there will always be more to learn, more to be come "adequate" in and more to evolve into...I just have to trust God that he's doing that with me.

Whenever I don't feel adequate I try and remember Moses' situation. He wasn't a public speaker nor did he feel as though he was fit to lead the Israelites out of Egypt...but God equipped him. Moses was so obedient and open minded to what God offered. I am thankful that I have the "Aarons" in my life to help back me up and the hope that I can have the faith of Moses.

This is definitely going to be a "to be continued" segment for me. I'm just ready to start really living for God and hoping that the expectations from other people will just fall in line. If not, as disappointing and heartbreaking as it can be...who should I and am I really trying to please?

An Addendum

This is an addendum of sorts to my last post. Today as I sat in Patrick's mom's funeral and watched her family and friends suffering amidst the pain, I began to pray. I prayed in a way that Patrick himself had suggested the other morning at breakfast. I prayed with God. The more I prayed the more focused I became on the needs of others specifically Patrick, Brad and the rest of the family. I wasn't wallowing in how I felt in the moment (which funerals, aside from the obvious are really really difficult for me) but rather on the people around me.

I really felt like I experienced God there in the sadness. I don't believe he likes us to suffer but he does use that suffering for His good. I looked back on my own suffering in my life and how I've used that and how God has used that. I've noticed when I let God take my anger, my sadness and my despair to use it for His benefit I am blessed. Today in the sadness that I felt, I allowed God to take control of that through prayer with Him. I think that's what made Job who he was. He didn't pretend like everything was okay, he was angry, he was sad and his life was horrible---BUT he let God in and began to talk to Him and to pray with Him.

I hope that I can continue to feel the Holy Spirit in my prayer just as I did this morning--even through the numbness of pain and sadness.

The Road to Awe

The last few weeks have seemingly been shrouded by death. What I'm reading in my Bible challange, the media, my personal life, the movies I'm watching, conversation, etc. I know it's certain and I know it happens, but it makes me reflect on my own mortality and then on my own road beyond death and "into awe".

A couple of weekends ago I watched "The Fountain" with Nick, Adam and Jessica. The entire movie surrounded the idea of being afraid of death and dying and then finally what the purpose of dying truly was. The movie was very obviously not Christian, but had some very serious Christian and religious undertones. The female character comes to terms with her own death and realizes that what she's discovering is her Road to Awe.

Is that what the journey death should be for us? The road to discovering the awesome-ness of God? Amidst the beauty of the the cinematography of the film, I couldn't help but notice the sadness and the lack of fulfillment that the characters felt and the darkness that it portrayed. Constantly striving for more time, more years, more understanding--when the one thing that they were avoiding was what could bring them the greatest fulfillment.

I am afraid of death most of the time. I'm afraid of losing, pain and suffering. Although, in my life there have been glimpses of what death is or should be. My mom taught me this lesson about living and dying. I had the blessing of watching her pass, which sounds morbid--but it wasn't. It was peaceful, terribly sad, but relieving. Prior to her death she told us she wanted the song "Celebration" played at her funeral. I think that is the most beautiful picture of fulfillment. She knew what this world had to offer her...in the end nothing. Yes, she would miss us and wanted to see us grow up...but what would the lasting effect of that be? Nothing, or at least nothing compared to the enjoyment of Heaven and eternal life.

We need restoration, we need a road to awe, we need death but most importantly, we need Jesus.

Love.

As I read through the book of Genesis I can't help but notice the the different forms of love being portrayed. I think that love is one of my favorite topics, one of my favorite things to do and one of the hardest things to understand. I have told Jeff before of how much I appreciate his love for me and the beautiful picture it paints of just the beginning of God's love for us. I say that, then I begin to wonder the depths of God's love for us. His Son, on a cross, compassion and grace. How deep do I think that God's love goes? Just as far as the tangible love that I can feel or beyond that? What is "that"?

The conversation of love in my heart almost always ends with the question of approval. Am I good enough? Do I make enough people happy? Am I wanted, loved, needed...the list goes on. My love is flawed. If I am loving to see the love of others, the approval of others and the need of others it is not altruistic and it's not from God or a reflection of God. Something that struck me the other week in the way that I love, was a statement by Joe at Church, "God will not love you any more or any less, no matter what you do". I think that part of my problem with my understanding of love is that it's a give and take sort of thing, you give, I take--I in turn reciprocate and it's "mutual". But love should go far beyond this giving and receiving and become more of a way of life for me. What if my life was a continuous outpouring of love for other people? What would I gain? Maybe nothing, maybe something, but it'll be worth it and gaining is not the point. I think that it will make me a more whole person a person that can accept and give love freely is one that can maintain a constant outpouring.

Everyone needs love but there shouldn't be an expectation attached to it. I think that might be what is at the heart of what I'm currently struggling with. I want to be loved but can't love myself because of some realistic expectations of who I'm supposed to be. God doesn't set expectations and neither should we for ourselves or for anyone else.

Today, I'm going to try and live an expectation free day. Live a day where my soul (yes, soul) purpose is to show love to people.